Jack and Jill Review

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Jack and Jill

Year: 2011
Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 1 HR, 31 MIN

Director: Dennis Dugan
Starring: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Adam Sandler, David Spade, Allen Covert, and shame

Back in early June South Park ran its season 15 finale You’re Getting Old where Stan celebrates his 10th birthday and overnight becomes a cynical asshole about everything and he finds himself alienated from his friends because of that.  In the episode the kids head over to their local theater to watch X-Men: First Class but first they have to watch the trailers which included Jack and Jill. It’s a long standing fact that South Park has no great love for Adam Sandler, they’ve made fun of him and his film’s countless times but what they did in this episode was brilliant and was an absolute slam dunk.  What’s makes the joke even better is that I (and a lot of other people) didn’t believe that Jack and Jill was a real movie since a trailer hadn’t been released at that time.  I had to look up what the next Adam Sandler movie was to find out that it was a real movie and that Adam Sandler was indeed going to play the role of Jack and Jill.   What’s even more amazing is the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone summed up how I felt when I left the theater so perfectly. 

I’m not going to waste my time or yours going into a deep explanation of the plot of Jack and Jill.  All I’ll say is that Jack (Adam Sandler), a commercial director needs to get Al Pacino to do a Dunkin Donuts ad or he’ll lose his biggest client.  Jack’s annoying twin sister Jill (Adam Sandler) arrives for the holidays and “hilarity” ensues, especially when Pacino becomes infatuated with Jill and Jack tries to exploit that for his own personal gain.

It’s hard to describe how truly awful Jack and Jill is.  Dreadful, painful, abominable, horrendous, shameful, ghastly, and abhorrent all fail to do justice to how fucking terrible this film is.  I was lost for words about many different things when the film finally ended.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around:

• What possessed Adam Sandler to pull an “Eddie Murphy” and play dual roles?
• What drugs the executives at Columbia Pictures were on when they signed off on the idea?
• Why Tom Cruise would allow Katie Holmes out of the house to film this?
• What kind of financial trouble Al Pacino has to be in to lower himself to this level?

I could go on and on because Jack and Jill is like the perfect storm of mind numbing, soul crushing, shitty comedies.  I can’t even get a grip on where to start tearing this piece of shit apart at, there are so many threads I could pull from that would unravel Jack and Jill all leading to the same conclusion that not only is this the worst film of 2011 but possibly the worst film Adam Sandler has ever done including Little Nicky.

The best place to start might be with the star Adam Sandler who I used to enjoy… when I was 14.  Somewhere in the last 15 years Adam Sandler and I stopped seeing eye to eye on what is funny and while his movies continue to make money I think his film’s are bankrupt of creativity and worst of laughs.  Right off the bat what the fuck is up with Jill’s accent?  Supposedly Jack & Jill are supposed to be identical twins which isn’t actually possible since identical twins have to be the same sex.  They also supposedly grew up together in the Bronx but Jack sounds just like regular old Sandler but Jill sounds a lot like his They’re all going to laugh at you” character from one of his old albums.  Jill is also one of the most annoying and crass characters you’re likely to see this year.  Most jokes involving Jill have to do with her being as strong as a man, farting or shitting, or Al Pacino trying to bone her.  Sandler playing both roles also leads to Jack and Jill being one of the most poorly edited films I can think of.  Rarely do you see Jack & Jill in the same frame so it’s extremely choppy and fails to even measure up to Eddie Murphy’s Nutty Professor in term of effects and editing.  Sandler’s portrayal of Jack is less embarrassing but is still on level with most of Sandler’s other recent performances as the nice guy with a temper problem.

I don’t know why Katie Holmes is in Jack and Jill.  Her performance reminded me of a ventriloquist doll I once saw except I didn’t see Tom Cruise’s hand up her ass.  It’s sad that she went from doing cool movies like GO to being trapped in the house with a closeted gay man to doing this shit… I’d would normally pity her but it’s her fault for being brainwashed so easily.  Jack and his wife (can’t remember Katie Holmes’ character’s name since she doesn’t really matter) have a couple of kids; a karate chopping little white girl and an Indian kid (dot not feather).  Why do they have an Indian kid?  So Jill can make stereotypical jokes about him being good at using the computer since “his people” are good at offering tech support.  There’s also a Mexican gardener character.  Why?  So Jill can make stereotypical jokes about Mexicans and the Mexican can make joke after joke about stealing from white people and sneaking across the border.  The Mexican jokes don’t end there though, we get to tag along to a Mexican party were we get to watch Jill repeatedly knock unconscious a Mexican grandmother who get’s repeatedly re-awakened by hot peppers instead of smelling salts.  Hilarious right?  Let’s not forget all the Jew jokes… luckily as Sandler repeatedly points out he’s Jewish so he’s allowed to make Jew jokes.  Oy Vey!

Like most Sandler film’s there are tons of cameos by “celebrities” that were nice enough to take time out of their busy schedules to further embarrass themselves.  Here’s some of the prime examples:

• Regis Philbin- Doing a Pepto Bismol commercial with a creepy stomach puppet.
• Dana Carvey- As the puppeteer of the creepy stomach puppet.  This is his first appearance in a film in nine years.  Why even bother coming back?
• Allen Covert- Reprising his role as Otto the Homeless Guy/Caddy from  Happy Gilmore.  I guess Happy didn’t end up taking care of him after beating Shooter McGavin.  What a sad end to his story.
• Drew Carey- Jill’s makes it onto The Price is Right!  Thank god Bob Barker retired so he didn’t end up in this mess too.
• Johnny Depp- Dressed sorta like Diane Keaton as usual, not sure what dirt Sandler has on him to make him do this movie but his level of embarrassment is minimal.
• Norm MacDonald- It’s so sad to see him reduced to this level but at least he didn’t have to kiss Sandler.
• Shaquille O’Neal- He sexually assaults a ham with his mouth.
• Jared from Subway- It just occurred to me that there are at least four crossovers between this and Happy Gilmore.  Adam Sandler is in both films, Otto the Homeless Guy/Caddy is in this, both feature the host of The Price is Right, and both plug Subway.  Back to Jared, Jill makes fat jokes at his expense.
• Michael Irvin- No idea why he’s here.
• John McEnroe- Making his third Sandler appearance and his acting is as “good” as ever.
• David Spade- Dressed up as a lady too… how funny!