Immortals in 3D Review

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Year: 2011
Rating: R
Runtime: 1 HR, 50 MIN

Director: Tarsem Singh
Starring: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Frieda Pinto, Luke Evans, John Hurt, and Isabel Lucas

The first time I saw the trailer for Immortals I thought it looked like a bad 300 meets Clash of the Titans ripoff so I immediately said “Meh, maybe I’ll watch it.”  For whatever reason the closer it got to it’s release date the more interested I became.  I don’t know if my interested was heightened by the complete lack of other action oriented films over the past few weeks but as the release date for Immortals slowly grew closer I caught myself actually looking forward to it more and more.

Clash of the Titans had a glowing sword, Immortals has a glowing bow.

The plot of Immortals is your typical Hollywood Greek mythology movie.  What I mean by that is that it has the right names like Zeus and Poseidon but aside from that it’s based very loosely on Greek mythology.  To sum it up, King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) is searching for the magical Epirus Bow which was forged by the Gods.  Hyperion needs to capture Phaedra the Oracle (not from The Matrix) so she can show him where he can find the bow and he can do all the raping & pillaging he wants and then unleash the God’s greatest enemies, The Titans, who will help him rule the world and maybe destroy the Gods (the film wasn’t very clear on this point).  In a nearby town a poor peasant named Theseus (Henry Cavill) is being groomed unbeknownst to him to fight against King Hyperion.  Theseus is a Mommas boy but he and Mommy seem happy living in their one bedroom hut.  Unfortunately King Hyperion does some “gangsta shit” in his quest to rape and impregnate every female he encounters and cruelly dispatches Theseus’ mother.  Theseus conveniently runs across Phaedra and a sidekick named Stavros (Stephen Dorff… yes, the bad guy from Blade Stephen Dorff) and they set out to stop King Hyperion before it’s too late.  All the while up in “heaven” Zeus (Luke Evans), his daughter Athena (Isabel Lucas), and his remaining God children look down, worry, and look concerned blah blah blah.  All this eventually leads to a brutal showdown between Theseus, Hyperion, The Titans, and the Gods at a mountain that looks like it’s straight out of Return of the King.

I used to be a pretty boy but look at me now.

Unfortunately Immortals is the very definition of “Meh.”  I absolutely did not love the film but I didn’t hate it either.  My biggest complaint would be that’s it’s just not terribly interesting bordering on boring.  There’s far too much chit-chat about how dangerous things will become if Hyperion gets his hands on the magic bow and not enough ass kicking action.  When the action does kick off it’s reasonably fun to watch even though it’s very CGI heavy.  With that said when a film clocks in at nearly two hours to only have one really big action sequence and 2 1/2 short actions scenes it’s disappointing.  That disappointment is compounded by the almost complete lack of titties.  When I think Greek I think of beautiful women in extremely skimpy and sheer outfits with their “high beams on” until the clothing is actually removed.  That didn’t happen nearly enough to excuse the lack of action.  We’re treated to two lousy scenes featuring the nude female form, one scene is with Isabel Lucas (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) where her tits are showing but she’s camouflaging herself as stone so we see stone tits… lame.  The other scene is with the female lead Freida Pinto (playing Phaedra); there is a good shot of her ass and some far away shots of her tits but it’s nothing to write home about.  I have to mention the fact that I can’t be sure that CGI or stunt doubles weren’t used for either of these nudity scenes.

Most of the cast was pretty decent and is headed up by Henry Cavill who will be more of a household name next year when he plays the lead role in Man of Steal.  His portrayal of Theseus was a little dry for my taste but he had to walk the fine line of playing the reluctant hero.  The big draw as far as actors go for most people will probably be Mickey Rourke in the role of the sadistic King Hyperion.  It’s a very one dimensional character but nevertheless he plays the role with great relish.  My biggest complaint about Rourke is that I had a terrible time understanding what he was saying from time to time.  It’s like he had a mouth full marbles when he’d try and rattle off some speech about how his seed would be eternal.  Theseus’ “girlfriend” Phaedra is played by Slumdog Millionaire star Freida Pinto.  She looks constantly worried and aside from the brief nudity moment (body double) she’s doesn’t really add much to the equation.  If you were one of the few people that saw The Three Musketeers last month you’ll recognize Luke Evans in the role of Zeus.  He never comes off as a badass, he acts more like a boring bureaucrat in a shiny gold outfit.  He redeems himself towards the film’s end but its too little too late.  Isabel Lucas is pretty to look at but a stone statue would have had better luck showing emotion and as I stated earlier her nudie scene was not everything it should have been.  The biggest surprise in terms of casting came from Stephen Dorff; I had no idea he was in the film at all and I initially did a double take to make sure it was him.  Dorff definitely isn’t an A-List guy but for whatever reason I really dig most of his performances and it was nice to see him in something that wasn’t a direct-to-DVD film.  In a totally non-homo way he was surprisingly fit for a guy pushing 40… like I said… no homo.  Last but certainly not least is John Hurt who has a small role as the geriatric version of Zeus.  I love John Hurt and as usual he brings a touch of class and maturity to Immortals that it otherwise would not have had.  My sole complaint concerning his portrayal of old man Zeus is who thought it was a good idea to dye his hair black?  It looks like the hair dresser took a shoe polish and ran it through his hair and it looks embarrassing.

Lets see what on tonight. Shit, boring old genocide.

Immortals is directed by Indian (dot not feather) director Tarsem Singh.  It’s undeniable that Tarsem has a great eye and has made some of the most visually arresting films in recent memory with The Cell and The Fall but there never seems to be enough substance in his films.  I would have to describe him as the Indian Tim Burton; there’s a lot of style in their films but they don’t have enough “heart.”  What Immortals lacks in the script department it tries to make up for visually but unfortunately I didn’t find it as compelling as other similar films such as 300.  One other thing I would like to mention is the sound mix which was one of the worst mixes I’ve heard in long time.  I can’t imagine there was something wrong with the original source material since Immortals was shot digitally, perhaps maybe something went wrong during the dubbing process but there were numerous scenes were the dialogue was extremely flat and tinny.  At first I thought it was the auditorium I was in (an auditorium that I see films in all the time) so before I left I popped into another auditorium that had just started Immortals and noticed the same issue.  It will be interesting to see if it’s still there on the Blu-ray.

Immortals was filmed with 3D cameras but it doesn’t make great use of the technology.  Too much of the film takes place at night or darkly lit rooms which always reeks havoc with the 3D effect.  There’s not much in terms of gimmicky effects which is a pleasant surprise but there also wasn’t a lot of shots showcasing the beautiful scenery in 3D a la Avatar.  The final act of the film features the most gimmicky 3D which was more amusing that it was mesmerizing sadly enough but overall the filmmakers used some level of restraint.  With that said I can’t recommend seeing Immortals in 3D because it just wasn’t implemented in a way that I thought justified the 3D surcharge.

Wow, does it look obvious that a green screen was used here.

I didn’t hate Immortals by any means but it was a definite letdown.  It mostly wastes its R-rating by never embracing what its potential audience was looking for.  The story meanders around spending far too much time on boring exposition forgetting that it’s an action film.  The lack of nudity will probably bother me more than other potential viewers but I was expecting more skin considering the rating and subject matter.  Some of the performances are enjoyable, namely Rourke who dominates the scenes he’s in and the unexpected appearance by Dorff who I thought was an extremely fun casting choice.  In the end Immortals isn’t a terrible film but it’s definitely not a film I ever need to see again so you might just want to give it a rent in a few months.